New Years Resolution

As the first week of the new year has gone by here are just a few of my resolutions!

1. Take a risk and not worry about the consequences
2. Go for an adventure with someone I love
3. Stop Swearing
4. Make a new friend
5. Smile and say hello to one new person everyday
6. Lose 25 pounds
7. Blow Jake's Mind
8. Travel to another state I have never been before
9. Talk like a British Person for a day
10. Have a change of heart
11. Go to the gym at least 3 times a week
12. Eat healthier
13. No more soda till the end of the year
14. Only one meal a week can be fast food or from a restaurant
15. Give someone a second chance

The biggest resolution would be to finish all of my resolutions by the end of the year!!

Ringing in the New, Throwing Out The Old

As the new year has began, of course you can't do anything but reflect on the past year. And well I look back and I am not proud of what I see. I see how many people I ignored and the ones I hurt after they helped me. I was stuck on how bad so and so had hurt me or how my life could get any worse. I couldn't believe how far I had lost myself! How do these happen? How can we morph into some kind of monster and not know it until we are alone? But the worse thing is is that you think you are still you because you are in so much denial that you are wrong that you continue to stab and wedge things between the ones you love. It sucks that you never have these thoughts that improve your life until you have not lost it all persay but ignored and alienated yourself from people. I want to apologize to all my friends I have ever hurt that was never my intention but I know I did. Thank you for helping my through the roughest part of my life for sure while I have not really that you know it I get over the sickness that I had let become my life. I love you guys so much and I cannot believe you guys put up with all my crap but I know you are sent from god because you do. This year is going to be the best year ever 2012 I am going to make good things happen and give back to my friends that have given me something you can't put a price on.. life. I am done with the old I am ready to move on step forward file the past away and keep it there. Focusing on the past makes you miss the future. I am excited to meet new people and have new experiences. I don't have a plan and it frightens me more than than anything but I am ready to not be scared and go with it. So friends I love you and thank you again more love in my heart is yours than you know!

It's Okay To Cry

Today was tough I didn't think I was going to get through it but I did! The past month and a half I have learned that it is okay to cry. You don't need a reason and you don't need to feel bad about it. Nothing feels better then after you cry and today it was the best thing on this planet. I woke up late but that is no different from every morning I sleep way to long but it is because my body and mind need the rest. It was not a good nights sleep though I had very vivid nightmares that left me waking up in a cold sweat with my heart racing. I didn't get everything I needed to get done in the morning. The day was so beautiful today though sunny and just right. I went to school and suprisingly got the double duty of writting a paper for another class in my first class. I have procrastinated a lot this semester and I am really hard on myself about it now and I have made excuses for myself but it is true just the past two months my world has been shaken like a little kid and a snow globe. I am finding myself and unfortunately I have to walk down all the side roads that people have made and seal them off so I can't get lost in the catacombs or my mind. School went by super fast and I was happy but the day still wasn't over. I went to work and flew under the radar so my terrible assistant store director couldn't find me. His name is Glen and well he is pretty much Satan, he belittles me and uses intimidation to make you feel stupid. I then went to Mount Ogden Junior High School and delt with children that are so disrespectful it is ridiculous! Then a tender mercy came and it brought me close to tears. I studied really hard for my human development test and I passed with an 80% which means no final for me and a passing C+ for the course. Then my friend Heidee had the music that I need to play at grams funeral, music I couldn't find in any store I just have to drop it down an octave! On my way home memories just came flooding back of everything good and bad that has happened this year. I started to cry as I realized the battle that still raged inside of me I never slowed down to handle it so it just appears when I am weak. And I sat there in my car crying wishing I could forget everything that I didn't have any memories that I could start over new I wouldn't know anything about my life and felt nothing when I drove by a house, restraunt, or area. Then I thought about all the amazing friends I have in my life and how they give me a reason to remember. How they give me these little peeks of happiness and they stand so strong as I try to fight off everything. They gather around my heart and fix it and don't let anyone kick me while I am down. I realized how blessed I am to have such good example who remind me that am worth so much and shouldn't deminish my value. I love you friends who keep me strong everyday and when you pick me up when I can't go any longer.

Giving Back

Oh boy, oh boy today has been a day!! I am trying to finish all of my classes and do it with grace hahaha barely passing with style. Today my communication group finally finished our project and boy am I glad I don't think I could handle having to spend one more minute with them. Today was pretty much crazy but my life seems to be getting back on track and I am becoming more and more functional the day doesn't seem so long, however, the nights are way too short still I love my sleep. Today at work seemed to be a nightmare I started crying and as anyone knows when I cry I pour. I was crying and then who would have known it my nose starts to bleed and not just bleed but to gush it was so embarrassing and I work mainly with men and they were just unsure what to do. Do I get her to stop crying or bleeding first? As men of course they chose the blood. Ironically, I was in the meat cooler and it just went with all the other blood that was on the floor. My grandpa is doing good my mom says and well I am upholding my grandma's wish and I am playing my violin at her service am I happy about it no but I will do it gladly with a smile on my face I would much rather sing but she loved that I played the violin. I remember one year I played a little concert with all my family for christmas I was the only grandchild to play an instrument and my grandma loved to play the piano and hear music. So I will be practicing my violin every minute that I have of free time. Now if only I can remember how to play it and tune it. I am very thankful for every minute and chance that I get to live another day!

I Love You Grandma

This is my first ever blog post but everyone wants to know what is going on in my life and I want to start a journal so why not start a blog. So here it goes.

Yesterday November 26, 2011 my grandma passed away. I never thought that the day would come so soon that I would have to experience it. I never believed her when she would say, "Oh this is my last Christmas." Well it was and I am so sad that I never got time to spend with her before she went away. She broke her leg two months ago, that finally got better, and I talked to her on her birthday I didn't really listen but I was just doing it because that is what you do. Well a week later she broke her other leg and went into the nursing home where she died. I never could take a day off and go visit my grandma. Being in her company wasn't always the best she often harped on what you were doing wrong or that you were really spoiled and didn't deserve most of the things you had. But I wouldn't trade those conversations for the world. I was on my way to the resting home when I got the phone call that she had already passed. Instantly I realized all the things that I wish I would have done. My family became first priority and that I need to take the time to show them that I love them before they are gone. The saying is true that you don't really know what you have till it's gone. We always seem to ask why couldn't everyone just take less if they wouldn't have expected so much of me well I now have the view of if I gave a little bit more. I have become very active in church and I am preparing to serve a mission. I want to give so much of myself that when I return to my Heavenly Father and become empty handed saying I have no more to give. I want to be able to see my grandma and my loving cousin in Heaven and give them a hug and say thank you for loving me and helping me be who I am! Grandma I know that you were called back to our Heavenly home that when I tell Heavenly Father in my prayers that he goes and tells you your grandaughter says hello and that she can't wait to see you and she is gonna take care of grandpa. I love you grandma!